eHow has grown into quite a successful website, with short how-to articles on just about everything. And nearly all of them that I have read have been as ridiculous as the one on How To Write An Epic Poem.

This is the kind of article that causes me to wonder who can sleep at night knowing they’ve created such a production. I’d imagine it could be one of those freelance writers who end up writing gag lines for the opening monologues of late night talk show hosts. But I could be wrong.

The opening paragraph attempts to define epic poem, but rests its epic laurels on the classic definition all the way down to the obligatory chain mail gauntlet:

An epic poem is a long narrative centering around a single hero, presenting his or her adventures within a suitably heroic framework. An epic hero is usually a person of great strength, wit or skill whose adventures usually contribute to the development of a particular race or nation.

Not bad. If you accept that what you learned in high school English is the gospel truth. And the folks at About.com don’t do any better:

Definition: A long and highly stylized narrative poem celebrating the heroic achievements of its hero. Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey are usually regarded as the first important epic poems and are considered to define the form.
Examples: The most important epic poem written in English is “Paradise Lost” by John Milton.

Who defines “most important?” What are the criteria for such a distinction?

But let’s get back to eHow. The humorous anecdote about your dog Champ is an obvious literary device meant to make the post more interesting to the eight year olds who will take this article at face value. The writer quickly advises would-be epic writers to “invoke the Muse”.

Huh? Come again?

I’m not going to give a play by play of eHow’s silliness, but I believe this sage advice is at least 300 years old or so.

Say Good-Bye To Deus Ex Machina
I’m willing to accept that the Muse, as used in this eHow article, may be another literary device. But probably not. Anyone who advises to praise the Muse then ask her “to aid you in the writing of your poem” is probably more into sackcloth and ashes than hyperbole and irony. And given the attempt to bring Champ into it and the final hail mary wisdom of asking the gods to intervene, well, this article doesn’t really inspire me.

I will say that the concepts of in media res and building a framework for your narrative are solid advice on building plot, which is a necessary component for any work of narrative literature, poetry or prose. Particularly if the work purports to be epic. Even then, some contemporary authors have managed to dispense with plot and focus on other storytelling elements.

The real wrinkle in this quilt are the final two bits of how-to ankle wash -

Confront your hero with dangerous monsters and other incredible adventures. Include vivid and explicit descriptions of warfare (particularly weapons and combat).

and

Use the supernatural to get your protagonist out of tough situations. If your hero or heroine is in a no-win situation, simply send in a god or goddess to help out at the last moment.

While I admit that lightsabers and big gorillas with godzilla complexes can be entertaining, those elements are not necessary for a compelling epic. The article misses a whole range of epic devices that can be deployed apart from the traditional storytelling techniques, and the ancient ones, this author encourages.

Nevertheless, the worst advice of all is the idea that a divine interventionist should come to the rescue. Not in this curtain call.

In contemporary literature, it’s typically best to leave Deity out of it unless it is done as characterization to show the state of mind of the players involved. Sure, there may be exceptions to that rule, but serious epic writers have not used deus ex machina for ages and we can thank the Holy Trinitarian God for that.